


An Arrowverse Vacation

by formergirlwonder (orphan_account)



Category: Arrow (TV 2012), DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Kind of a parody, Oliver is ridiculous, Seriously why have none of the legends realized that Thea is Merlyn's only weakness, Team Flash is depressed, Where the hell has Thea been on Arrow for three weeks???, Who am I kidding this is totally a parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 10:11:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9651290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/formergirlwonder
Summary: The true, unabridged story of where Thea spent her three offscreen weeks.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, I watch Arrow, and I was really enjoying the first half of S5. But somehow, after winter break, Thea literally ceased to exist! So this is what she did while everyone else went on field trips to Russia (aka a different section of Vancouver).

Oliver Queen banged the door of his loft shut. “Dammit!” he yelled, kicking the nearest piece of furniture, which happened to be a table. The table, unused to being kicked by an angry vigilante, toppled, shattering the expensive vase that lay on top of it.

A head of brown hair poked itself out from the next room. “Hey, Ollie,” said Thea Queen, sauntering into the room. “How’s the mayor’s office been doing without me?”

Her brother kicked moodily at the couch. “The mayor’s office is fine...wait, what do you mean, without you?”

Thea rolled her eyes as she curled up on an armchair. “Ollie, I’ve been gone for the last--for the last...while. Didn’t you get my note?”

Oliver looked up from kicking the wall. “Note?”

“Yes, the note I left to explain that I would be gone for the foreseeable future,” Thea elaborated, slipping out of her stilettos.

Oliver’s face contorted oddly. “Where’d you leave the note?”

“On your desk at the office.”

Oliver shifted his weight against the wall. “Yeah, I--definitely got that note. When I went into my office. And read the papers on my desk. Which I definitely did.” He swallowed, nodded once, sat gingerly on the couch, and nodded again. After a moment, he seemed to remember something.

“Wait a second--you were gone?”

Thea sighed exasperatedly. “Yes, I was gone. For a while.” She relaxed into the chair, having finally gotten her point across.

“A while? But that means you missed meeting Dinah, and--”

“Who’s Dinah--hold on, are you saying nobody noticed I was gone?” Thea exclaimed.

Oliver screwed up his eyebrows, trying to remember. “Um, I don’t think so. Are you sure you were gone? I mean, I thought that was you helping Quentin through his interview with Susan Williams--”

“ _Quentin_ didn’t notice I was gone?!?”

Oliver dodged the question. “Um, so how are you doing? What did you do while you were gone?”

“Um, not much," Thea hedged. "Mayor’s office--stuff.”

** Three Weeks Previously **

“Look, Thea, we really need your help,” pleaded Ray.

“We’ve been fighting Merlyn for weeks,” Sara explained, “and we’re making no headway.”

Thea tapped a pencil against the desk as she pursed her lips. “And you think I can help with that?”

Sara smirked. “We do keep tabs on you guys from the timestream. So, yeah, we know that you’re Merlyn’s weakness.”

Thea raised an elegantly plucked eyebrow.

“Look at it this way,” Sara continued. “Why did Merlyn ultimately decide to side _against_ Darkh? I mean, we both know that they have pretty similar philosophies.”

“He was trying to-- _oh_. I see. Every time Merlyn’s worked with Oliver, it’s been--”

“To protect you,” Sara finished. “Listen, I wouldn’t even be alive right now if not for Merlyn’s weird twisted sense of loyalty to you. So we did some thinking on the ship and we realized that we should use any tactical advantage we can get. Know your enemy and all.”

“Please,” said Ray. “Please come help, okay? I promise that we’ll get you back in a reasonable amount of time. Though it'll probably end up being a few weeks, so that we don't mess up the timestream--look, just leave Oliver a note, and come. You’d be doing the universe a big favor.”

Thea deliberated. ‘It’s a timeship? As in, I can go to any time I want?”

“Yes, it’s a timeship,” said Sara. “I mean, I have to stop you from majorly altering history, or anything that could create a paradox, but, yeah, it’s a timeship.”

“Okay,” said Thea.

“Really? That’s fantastic!” said Ray. “We thought we’d have to kidnap you. I mean, _Sara_ thought that. I _totally_ believed in you.” As he spoke, he tried and failed to hide a tranquilizer gun behind his back.

Sara elbowed him indignantly. “Welcome to the crew, Thea,” she said with a wide smile.

** Four Days Later **

“Do we really have to do it this way?” asked Thea, struggling against her bonds.

“Yes, we do,” Sara insisted, tugging a stray rope tighter. “Now shush!”

“Somehow,” Thea groused, “when you said you needed my help to fight Merlyn, I imagined that I’d actually be fighting him.”

“You’re out of practice,” Sara pointed out. “This way is much better. Now, what’s your story?”

Thea rolled her eyes. “You guys kidnapped me from the mayor’s office, and you’re going to kill me.”

Sara pressed a dagger up against Thea’s neck experimentally. “C’mon, give me some pathos with that.”  
  
Thea made a disgruntled face. “I’m not going to cry, Sara. Merlyn will see right through me.”  
  
“I’m not saying you have to cry, but right now you just look slightly annoyed. Try to imagine that your life’s in grave danger. _You could die at any second_ —don’t you roll your eyes at me, Speedy. I know you can act, I saw you as the evil queen in your kindergarten play.”  
  
“I wasn’t acting,” insisted Thea. “I actually hated the kid who played Snow White.”  
  
Sara tugged roughly at Thea’s ropes. “Look, just be glad you’re awake for this. The original plan was to tranq you and hold the dagger at your unconscious body.”  
  
Footsteps sounded in the corridor before Thea could respond. Sara quickly crammed a gag down her captive’s throat. “Wide. Eyes.” she whispered menacingly. “Wide, frightened eyes, or I swear Oliver won’t find your body.” She paused. “If he even notices you’re gone and thinks to look for you, that is.”  
  
Thea snorted, rather undeterred by the threat. Sara shoved her behind the desk. “Stay. Put.”  
  
Malcolm Merlyn strode into the room, bow at the ready. “Miss Lance,” he said suavely.  
  
“ _Captain_ Lance,” Sara corrected. “As in, the captain of the ship you’re currently standing on.”  
  
“Let’s not quibble,” Merlyn admonished. “since the actual Captain of the Waverider—“  
  
“—has been brainwashed into working for you. I know.” said Sara, drawing her batons. “Where is Rip, by the way?”  
  
“Holding your crew hostage.”  
  
Sara scoffed. “Rip couldn’t even keep the crew in line when they were actually on his side. By now, I’d guess that Rip’s tied up, Mick has challenged Amaya to shots, Jax and Nate are tossing a football around, Stein’s lecturing everyone on proper conduct, and Ray is sitting in the corner, continuing to be politely held hostage. Speaking of hostages, by the way—“  
  
Merlyn pulled his bow tighter and nocked an arrow. “Speak quickly, Miss Lance. I’m more than happy to kill you again.”  
  
“Thea,” said Sara simply.  
  
Merlyn’s grip on his bow tightened ever so slightly. “By which you mean?”  
  
Sara swaggered over to the desk and dragged Thea from beneath it. “She’s right here, and I’m about to kill her.” Thea fixed Merlyn with a venomous glare that conveyed something along the lines of, “ _I hate your guts, because you ruined my life, and just when I finally thought I was done with you, you showed up again and started messing with my friends_.”  
  
Merlyn barked out a harsh laugh. “Sara, what would Oliver think if you killed his sister?”  
  
“I didn’t kill her. She joined my crew and died in battle. Just like my sister joined Oliver’s team and died in battle.”  
  
“Smart,” said Merlyn. “I applaud your ingenuity. What do you want me to do?”  
  
“A trade,” suggested Sara. “Rip for Thea. You take your daughter, and you stop looking for the Spear of Destiny.”  
  
Thea suddenly began to struggle against her bonds. She shot Sara a panicked glance over the gag. Sara shook her viciously, turning her back to Merlyn and mouthing, “ _Trust me!_ ” Thea rolled her eyes, but subsided.  
  
Merlyn raised an eyebrow. “I’m not working alone, you know. I can’t precisely relinquish Captain Hunter to you without consulting with my associates.”  
  
“Fine,” said Sara. “Don’t give us Rip. Counteroffer: everyone knows you’re a slimy bastard. Ditch your associates and work with us.”  
  
Merlyn considered for a moment. “And what happens to Thea in that event?”  
  
Sara shrugged. “She goes home to her soul-crushing job and continues to single-handedly run Star City. Or, we might just decide to keep her. Who knows? It’s not like Oliver car--”  
  
Thea had, by this time, succeeded in escaping the gag. “Dad.”  
  
“Thea. I haven’t seen you in a while.”  
  
Sara rolled her eyes. “Guys, can we save World’s Most Awkward Family Reunion for another time? Merlyn, are you in or are you out?”  
  
Merlyn looked at Thea. “She wasn’t really going to kill you,” he stated.  
  
Thea slipped off the last of the ropes. “No, she wasn’t. Still, we’ve been through this before, Dad. And it always ends the same way.”  
  
Merlyn grinned wolfishly. “I suppose it does. Alright, Captain Lance. I accept your offer.”  
  
“Great!” exclaimed Sara. “Now, let’s go kick ass, and then after we’re done, you two can catch up.” She moved to the wall and tossed Thea a bow and quiver. “Try to stay out of trouble, Speedy.”  
  
Thea snorted. “I’m not that out of practice, Sara.”  
  
The door burst open to reveal Ray, breathing hard. “Sara, it’s chaos in there! I tried to explain to everyone that the plan was to sit tight and wait, but Mick beat Rip up! And now Amaya and Nate are making out in the corner, and Jax and Stein are arguing, and Mick won’t let me take Rip to Gideon, and I’m worried his face is going to scar or something!”  
  
**Two Hours Later (after the defeat of the Legion of Doom)**  
  
Merlyn and Thea stood awkwardly by the entrance to the jumpship.  
  
“So, you’re enjoying your new job,” Merlyn ventured.  
  
“Yeah,” said Thea, without looking at him. “I’ve always liked running stuff. With Verdant gone, this is a good next step.”  
  
“You get that from your mother. The love of management,” Merlyn observed. “Robert didn’t run the company, Moira did.”  
  
Thea nodded quietly, pursing her lips. “If you’re in town sometime, I’m not really living with Ollie anymore. I needed some space, so he’s in the loft. I spend time there, but I’ve got my own place.”  
  
“That’s good to know.”  
  
“If you call me beforehand, we could set up dinner. Provided that you don’t attack any of my friends, of course.”  
  
“Of course.” There was a silence. “Not even Oliver?”  
  
Thea punched her father in the arm. “Not even Oliver. Look, Dad, as long as you’re a person I want to be around, then I’ll be around you.” She let the sentiment stand for a moment before adding fiercely, “As soon as that stops, I’ll murder you.”  
  
He grinned. “That’s my girl.”  
  
**The Next Day**

Thea ripped a slit in the skirt of her black evening gown, bracing her feet on the deck of the ship. Beside her, Sara was wrestling with Mick for control of the heat gun. “Mick, setting the ship on fire is not going to help. At all.”

Ray’s voice crackled over Sara’s commlink. “Um, guys, I think we might have assassins inbound! Seven o’clock..no, wait, is twelve your guys’ back or front? Okay, they’re ahead and a bit to the--”

“We see them!” Sara yelled, whirling to strike an assassin with her baton. Beside her, Thea clocked one over the head with her bow, then felled him with a knee to the chest.

Nate’s voice joined Ray’s on the comm. “Um, guys, as the resident historian here, I feel obligated to point out that we have an _iceberg_ coming our way, ETA minus two minutes! Can we hurry this up? Amaya’s sick of being a dolphin!”  
  
“Whyever did we elect to repair this particular aberration?” Rip wailed. “You know, the one that occurred directly before the sinking of the **_Titanic_**? Why did we think this was a good idea?”

“Are you _kidding_?” yelled Thea over the shrieking of the wind. “This is SO. MUCH. _FUN_!”

** A Few Hours Later (in the cabin of the Waverider, with all crew members thoroughly soaked, and Amaya periodically squeaking like a dolphin) **

“Alright, folks, welcome to Group Counseling 101, the class that would probably have ensured that Team Arrow didn’t break up. I’m Thea, and I’m going to be moderating for you guys. Now, we’re going to start by going around the circle, and everyone is going to give another crew member a compliment. Rip, why don't you start?”

“Um, I would like to compliment Sara, for being a truly phenomenal captain in my...unfortunate absence.”

Mick snorted. “You mean when the Legion took a blender to your brain?”

Rip winced. “Yes. I truly can’t apologize enough for my weakness and inability to resist. I failed you all--”

“Okay, timeout!” yelled Thea. “First off, nobody gets to interrupt, Mick. Secondly, let’s dissect what you just said, Rip. You wanted to apologize for not being able to resist brainwashing. Can we just get a show of hands, who here has been brainwashed in some way?” Sara, Mick, Jax, Stein, Amaya, and Ray raised their hands. “Okay, that’s a majority, you can put your hands down. Nate, brainwashing is kind of similar to when you go on a bender and have no idea what you did, okay? So, glass houses, stones. Rip, everyone here forgives you. The end. Also, don’t use the word failed. It reminds me of my brother.”

“ **YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CITY!** ” Sara imitated. Ray laughed.

Rip’s eyebrows flew up his forehead. “You mean _that’s_ where the proverb comes from?”

There was a stunned silence, before Sara and Thea collapsed into giggles.

** Two Days After That **

“I’m bored,” Thea announced.

Sara struggled to catch up to her. Behind them, a massive boulder was steadily overtaking Nate and Stein. “You’re bored? _Really_?”

“Less talking, more running!” panted Rip.

“Catch up, and then you can talk,” Sara ordered sternly. “Seriously, though, Thea, why are you bored? I mean, yeah, this was supposed to be a boring mission, until _someone_  (Nate!) decided to take that statue off its pedestal, but now we’re outrunning a giant boulder! I mean, did you ever do that on Team Arrow? Really?”

Thea shrugged helplessly as she sprinted forward. “Kind of? I mean, you guys travel more, but other than that, it’s kind of the same thing. Fight random assassins, threaten important people, get injured, heal up, rinse, repeat? I hate to be a downer, but I kind of want my job back? If it even still exists without me there, which is unlikely, considering the fact that my deputy’s in rehab, and I’m pretty sure the DA moonlights as a vigilante named Vigilante. Still, I mean, in the mayor’s office, I felt like I was actually making a difference!”

“We make a difference!” Ray insisted indignantly.

“Yes, and no. I mean, most of what you guys do is just stopping things from changing. I want to _make_ them change.”

“Not to be impolite,” Stein interrupted, “but perhaps now is not the time and place for this conversation!”

Thea sighed and doubled back to help him.

“Look, this has been fun, guys, but I have to be going. Before I leave, though…”

Her eyes glinted dangerously. Rip moaned.

“...You guys owe me a favor. So I need to make a couple quick stops before we head back.”

** Meanwhile, at STAR Labs... **

Barry paced miserably. Cisco typed miserably. Julian sulked in a corner, Iris yelled at Wally, Joe yelled at Iris, Caitlin accidentally lowered the thermostat from “frosty” to “freezing”, and HR performed an impromptu drum solo on the railing.

“Hi!” said Thea, striding into the room. “I need to borrow this,” she explained, grabbing HR’s shirt collar and tugging at it.

Nobody looked up from their misery.

“Hey!” yelled HR.

“Oh, c’mon. Make yourself a new one,” Thea called over her shoulder. “Or have Cisco do it. I don’t care!”

** February 3, 2016 **

Roy Harper tightened his grip convulsively on the steering wheel. He hoped Thea would be okay without him. If he weren’t a wanted man, he would have stayed. She could use a buffer from her overprotective male relatives. Not that she really needed one...but there had been a kind of sad, scared look on her face when Malcolm and Oliver started fighting about how to save her. They only really cared about her when she was in trouble. The rest of the time, they found better things to do. Of course, it wasn’t like Roy could blame Oliver for trying to save the city all the time, but maybe he should make sure his sister was mentally stable and happy _before_ he went around offending crazy magic-wielding-businessman-death-cult thi--

Roy slammed on the brakes, swearing loudly. He blinked once, then blinked again. There was someone standing in the middle of the road. A petite someone, with her arms crossed over her chest. A someone who, last he checked, was dying of bloodlust on Laurel’s couch. In short, a someone who should _not_ have been standing in the middle of the highway at 11:47 PM on a February night.

He rolled down the window. “ _Thea?_ ”

“Hi to you, too. Listen, you don’t get to leave, okay? I need you.”

He couldn’t do this. He had to stick to his decision. “Thea, I want to stay, but everyone knows my face, I can’t just--”

“I’m from the future, Roy. 2017.” _Wow._ That definitely explained why Thea looked different. More...mature. Really good. “And our friends at STAR Labs just came through with face-changing hologram technology. I checked with the Waverider crew, and you’re not supposed to be doing anything for the next year in the regular timestream. So come to the future with me. Please?”

“Uh...okay. Yeah. I can do that.”

** Just Over A Year Later **

Oliver’s phone buzzed against the table. “Sorry, Thea, I have to take this.” He picked the phone up and stabbed the “Accept” button. “Felicity Megan Smoak,” he growled menacingly. “Where the hell have you been? You know protocol! You call me every half hour on the half hour, so I know where you are at _all times_!!” There was a pause. “Well, everyone else can handle themselves! No, if you need to take a nap, you need to tell me that you’re taking a nap, and then you need to call me back as soon as you’re awake, do you hear me? No. I don’t care. Fine. No, I need you to bring those up here! See you in a bit. **_Bye_**.” He slammed the phone down tersely, kicking the coffee table for emphasis.

“By the way, Ollie, guess who I ran into while I was gone?”

Roy poked his head out of the bedroom. “Me. Hi, Oliver.”

Oliver squinted. “Who’s that?”

“Roy. I picked up a prototype of HR’s face change tech, so now Roy can come back!”

“That’s not Roy,” Oliver insisted.

“Yes, he is,” Thea reiterated.

“Yes, I am, Oliver. Just with a different face. Look, I’ll prove it, okay? I know that you’re the Green Arrow. And that your favorite song is--”

Oliver’s eyes bulged. “ ** _Nobody can know my secret!_** ” he bellowed. “Who told you that?”

Felicity swung open the door to the loft, revealing Oliver strangling a random stranger (who was attempting to pull off a triple flip to escape), while Thea yelled, “I _told_ you, Ollie, it’s _**Roy**_!”

Being a sensible person, Felicity started by addressing the most pressing matter in the room. “Thea?! Where have you been? Nobody heard a word from you for three entire weeks! Are you okay?”

Thea smirked as Roy finally broke free of Oliver. “Yep. See, Ollie? _Someone_ noticed I was gone.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! And chime in with your own theories about what Thea's been up to!


End file.
